Brev till Farmor

Kära farmor, min pappas mamma

Tack för allt som du har gjort

Givit kärlek, goda råd, alltid, med detsamma

Ända sen första gången jag stod vid din port.

När jag var liten la du på minnet vad jag tyckte om

Oavsett om det var betydelsefullt eller ej

Därför åt vi ofta köttfärsås när vi kom

Och alltid rågbröd med gurka och pastej

När jag var tonåring satt jag en gång vid ditt bord

Och grät med ett brustet hjärta

Du lyssnade, tog mig på allvar och med väl valda ord

Lugnade du min själ och lindrade min smärta

Några år senare fick du ett nytt besök

Av fru Thuresson, inte längre fröken Åstrand

Klockan 11.00 firade vi med vin i ditt kök

På våran glädje kunde inte läggas några band

Sista gången vi sågs och kramades hej då

Hade jag ingen tanke på plats eller tid

Bara att det roligt att umgås och så

Att ha dig alldeles nära bredvid

Ja du, kära farmor, min pappas mamma

Det har blivit dags att skiljas åt ett litet tag

Utan dig hade jag inte blivit densamma

Jag minns, saknar och tackar dig idag.

Lobotomy through endurance

Today marks the three year anniversary of my first visit to the gym, which was also the first day of my healthier life. While a lot has changed since, I thought this would be a great opportunity to focus on the unexpected changes that I didn't notice immediately, but has been just as rewarding, if not more so, than the physical changes.

I'm happy with who I am and who I've turned out to be. But I would be lying if I said there are no room for improvements. Generally, there are three area I need to work at. I'm notoriously impatient, I hate asking for help (so I don't) and I 'm unreasonably competitive. I've struggled with these three personality traits since I was a child. I've always been aware, but have never found good tools to modify these behaviors. Little did I know that one decision to change one thing in my life would have such a ripple effect that it would change what I thought was unchangeable. In the pursuit of a healthier life with a stronger heart, stronger lungs and weight-loss I decided to start running.

Endurance training is not an intuitive choice for an impatient person. Especially when the first slow jog got me about half a lap around a track (200m) before my lungs started burning. Let me tell you, going from 200m to running a full marathon was a sloooooow process. But I suspect that because running was so far out of my comfort zone, every mile added or second shaved felt like a victory, I got distracted by the fact that the process took forever. It wasn't until I decided to run a marathon I realized how patience and endurance go hand in hand. There is only one way to prepare for a marathon. Run. Run a lot. But thoughtfully. Not too fast and not too slow. Keep a steady pace and trust that you will eventually get where you need to go. Diligently and patiently. I'm pretty sure I don't need to explain how this lesson in patience applies to a lot of different aspects of life.

About one year into running, before the marathon and the lessons I learnt through the training, I lost momentum and got impatient. It only took one single impatient workout to bust my knee. In trying to find out what had happened and what I did wrong, I realized how little I knew about running and proper training. I started reading articles, subscribing to magazines and talking to others. I started to ask people for advice. I started to ask them for help. I didn't even realize it at the time, I was just talking to people about running. Then it dawned on me, maybe that is all asking for help really is, a conversation between people where knowledge and experiences are shared.

I'm not cured from all my ailments yet, but I'm seeing progress. The biggest improvement I've seen is with my competitiveness. Maybe because this has been my biggest issue and I've never found a good outlet for it. While being impatient has pushed me to work harder to get places faster and my unwillingness to ask for help has forced me at times to be self-sufficient, being competitive has brought me very little joy. I've been know to yell at people after a night of friendly bowling. I grew up treating board games like a full-contact sport and I still don't do game nights cause I can't trust my reactions.

But no matter how competitive I am, needless to say, I've never been under the illusion that I will win at an endurance event. Given my training background, I have always aimed at the middle of the pack, wanting to be an average runner. That, in it self, is a far cry from how I usually set my goals. On top of it all, I haven't always been successful at reaching my goal of mediocracy. Maybe I would have faired better if I stuck to one specifik distance, but instead I've been looking for new challenges and the bigger the challenge, the fiercer the competition. Which has brought me to where I am right now, three years into my new life.

Three month from now I'm registered to participate in Silicon Valley International Triathlon. A 1500 m (0.93 mi) swim followed by 40 km cycling (25 mi) finishing with a 10 km (6.2 mi) run. I feel relatively comfortable with the distances, and up until a few weeks ago, I didn't think much about the other participants. But one day, out of curiosity, I checked last year's results and quickly realized that I'm very likely to finish last in my age group. I'm not saying it to fish for encouragement or to downplay myself. It is the reality of things. I need to improve my personal best in all three disciplines in order to have a shot at anything else than finishing last. So that's my new goal. I'm training to not finish last. But if I indeed finish last, I will train to do so with the smallest margin possible. I feel that I can confidently say, I participate in endurance competitions to test my own abilities, not for the significance of winning.

When I started this journey three years ago, my goal was not to loose a lot of weight or to turn myself into an endurance athlete. I simply wanted to feel healthier, inside and out. So I stepped onto an elliptical, took a look at what I was eating and things slowly but surely moved along. I had no idea what consequences it would have. Good thing I didn't, cause I would have been impatient about getting to where I am today. Instead I will patiently await what lays ahead, meanwhile enjoy having meaningful conversations and for the first time truly understand that competitors come and go, while your own efforts and achievement are yours to keep forever.

PS. Got the results from my latest cholesterol and blood sugar tests. I did change, significantly, inside and out!

Make reasonable choices

Live life to the fullest! Seize the Day! Don't let a good opportunity pass you by! Live life without regrets! Reach your fullest potential!

It's a new year. For many, it's an opportunity to start with a clean slate and to begin molding a better and improved version of themselves. With so many exclamation marks to guide us along the way, one would have to be hyper vigilant and flawlessly self-aware to make the right choices and to act accordingly to reflect our willingness to be our best selves, to reach our fullest potential.

I don't know about you, but to me, it's too much pressure. Also, it's unreasonable to think we can be honestly self-reflective and perfect judges at any given situation. And if anything less than perfection is considered a failure, no wonder people give up on their new year's resolutions before end of January!

This got me thinking about Will Ferrell. Specifically, Will Ferrell in the movie "The Internship". Not a profound movie by any means, but in the movie, Will Ferrell plays a character with a big neck tattoo saying "Make Reasonable Choices".

I think this might be the way to go. Not perfect choices, but reasonable choices. As simple as that. Every choice we make cannot be expected to fulfill every optimal criteria, but maybe our choices can be reasonable and generally not detrimental to our wellbeing.

To help us make reasonable choices it might be good to have an idea about why and for whom we make the choices we do. Everything from why and for whom we choose to exercise or choose the career path we pursue, to why and for whom we choose to self-sacrifice or choose to love. Maybe not entirely necessary to contemplate why and for whom we choose to brush our teeth, but you get my point.

In this day and age when self-expression and self-image is something many of us publicly share on a daily basis it might be good to be honest about why and for whom we project the image we choose to project. As an example, I recently posted a photo on Facebook and on Instagram of my Playstation 4. Why and for whom? As with everything on Facebook, I shared it for other people to see. I want people to associate me with gaming. I want to be associated with gaming because I spend a lot of time doing it, it's important to me and I am a fairly competent gamer. I even dare say I'm probably a fantastic gamer, compared to other home-makers in their 30s! Was the choice to post a photo on Facebook a step closer to reaching my fullest potential. Clearly not. But was it a reasonable choice given why I wanted to post it. Personally, I would say yes.

I've also thought long and hard about why and for whom I'm writing this blog. In short, I write because I think a lot and because I enjoy writing. I've never been good at keeping diaries, so making it public holds me more accountable (not entirely sure why). I know most of you who read this blog know me in person, and I like for you to know how I'm doing, what's going on in my life and what I've been contemplating lately.

Obviously, I hope some of you can relate to what I've written, hopefully I've even sparked a further thought or two, but I am acutely aware of the fact that most of the things we read on blogs, Facebook, Twitter, Google+ and see on Instagram are fleeting moments that will only catch out attention for a couple of seconds before we move on to the next thing on our feed. Because, the things we put out there are usually not terribly important, not always interesting and frankly, people don't care as much as we would like to think they do. So a sincere thank you for the time you've spent reading this and for the minutes of your life you could have spent on doing something else.

A final note on reasonable choices. Sometimes reasonable choices come in form of products. 2014 has just begun, but three reasonable products have already improved my life and will continue to do so for a long time to come: Playstation 4, a new Electrolux vacuum and my Magimix food-processor.

In it for the long run

The anticipation was high as I roamed through my dresser, looking for the perfect outfit, an outfit that would hug me in all the right places while exposing a bit of skin. An outfit that would let my inner confidence shine. Nothing was to be left at chance. I carefully laid out the perfect top, matching bottoms, my favorite underwear and socks on the bed. I finished by pairing it all with the perfect pair of shoes.

I gave myself a manicure and pedicure, carefully choosing the perfect nail polish to go with my outfit and spirit. An extra bit of pampering was the perfect way to relax while marking the occasion that something special was about to happen.

After making sure my hair was exactly the way I wanted it, my skin was soft and supple, and my face had a healthy glow, I slipped into my outfit, stepped into my shoes and took a final look at myself in the mirror. I was happy about what I saw and I felt like a million bucks. Just as I was heading out the door, I grabbed my bag and made sure I had everything: keys, wallet, cell phone, race bib, timing chip, hydration belt, gels and my heart-rate monitor.

One can hardly say that I had not done this before, even though I've become picker in later days. Every time I've felt pumped, excited and ready to go. But also nervous, slightly worried and with varied degree of doubt and hesitation. Would it be a positive surprise or would I leave feeling disappointed?

The more I kept putting myself out there, the more different emotions I had to process. The best days left me feeling elated and full dreams about a future with endless possibilities. After the worst days, I would feel broken, in tears and wondering why I keep doing it, why I was willing to risk having my hopes crushed. And these are just the emotions I've gone through, not even thinking about the physical highs and lows.

But last time was very different. When I decided to give it another go, I thought it would be like all other times, but in the weeks leading up to October 6, I noticed a shift, something had changed. This was not going to be record breaking or limit stretching, I had to settled for it being nice and easy. I just didn't have it in me, the energy to push, to achieve and to challenge myself.

True to my prediction, as I stood on the starting line, there was no energetic excitement nor nervous doubt, instead I felt prepared, calm and a quiet confidence I had never felt before. And as it turned out, the race was neither record breaking nor limit stretching, but it was the most pleasant and enjoyable race I've ever done.

It took 16 different encounters to find the feelings I so desperately have been searching for. Maybe I never found them because I was looking for the wrong things. Maybe the allure of passion and drama clouded my judgement, I should've known from the start that they would never trump confidence, encouragement and joy. In the end, maybe I had to wait for the feelings to find me.

I think this is it, or at least I hope it is. The timing is perfect and the stage is set, all I need to do is to grab this opportunity and run, literally. I'm still weary and deadly afraid that these feelings will fade, so I will take is slow, give it time and hopefully nurture this into something that will last a lifetime.

Jennifer's Wings

Today is September 1st. Summer is officially over and autumn is upon us. Time to retire the tank tops, shorts and flip flops and time to bring forth the sweaters, scarves and socks. But more importantly, finally time for boots!

A couple of months ago, during high-summer, my husband and I bought our first pairs of Red Wing boots. He, The Gentleman Traveler and I, The Iron Ranger. Ever since, I've been waiting for boot season. And now it's finally here! Given that the climate in Northern California never require boots, I decided to wait for an appropriate date rather than wait for appropriate weather.

These shoes are made from thick and sturdy leather, meant to last a lifetime and therefore can be quite stiff before they mold to your feet. To remedy this initial "softening period" and to set me up for future boot heaven, I've decided that these Red Wings boots will be my only pair of shoes I will wear for the month of September. I see this as a perfect opportunity to break them in and to experiment with the versatility of these boots. However, there is an exception to the "only pair I will wear"-rule. I will be wearing much more appropriate shoes while exercising. There will be no half-marathon training in leather boots!

Fitocracy

It might not be the hottest topic anymore, and I'm sure everything that could have been said has already been said, but that's not going to stop me from making a totally redundant statement: "Social networking is the new way for people to connect and communicate with the world around them."

I'm a user of Blogger, Facebook, Google+, LinkedIn and my latest addition, Instagram. While these are all entertaining to me, in one way or another, I would like to share with you, one of my favorite social networks, Fitocracy.

It's a network for anybody who is interested in fitness, exercise, diet, nutrition and healthy living. I will let wikipedia explain the details: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fitocracy

I've been a member since March 16, 2012. Since then I've logged all my activities, completed quests and achievements, joined different interest groups and followed some spectacular people on their journey towards a stronger, fitter and healthier life.

Why is this network so appealing? First of all, it's mostly anonymous. You're free to choose any profile picture and user name. Most people use nicknames and many profile pics are of a cartoon, a quote or a flexed muscle.

Some people use it solely as a tool for tracking workouts while others are connected to thousands of people and active in several interest groups. It doesn't matter, there is room for everyone. And there is really room for everyone. Fitocracy hosts bodybuilders, Cross-fitters, ultra marathoners as well as people who just made the decision to eat better, who've lost their first pound, people who are recovering from injuries or other health issues and average Joes.

Unlike my other social networks, the overwhelming majority of the people I'm connected to are total strangers to me. I know them solely by how much they lift, how fast they run or how much weight they have lost. Because of the anonymity, people have the freedom to boast about their successes as well as show weakness when things are tough and look for comfort and support.

If I use my own journey as an example, I had a whole group of people who cheered me on when I finished my marathon, people who understood, on a fundamental level, what an accomplishment it was, both running it and training for it. Recently, when my motivation dwindled, they were there to lend support and encouragement. Sometimes it's enough to read about someone else's progress or struggle to motivate you and lift your spirit. Hopefully I've been able to give back what I have received. It truly is heart-warming when someone tells you that you're an inspiration.

On fitocracy you will find countless photos of half-naked people flexing their muscles, of weight-loss progress, of food, of inspirational quotes and of race finishers. It's all in good spirit but if you can't stand it, Fitocracy is not for you. But if you want to learn, share and be inspired to live a healthy and strong life, I think you should give it a try. And if you do, look me up. Username: JenniferLT

Running frustrated

In 10 weeks (plus a few days) I will run my third half-marathon. It always seems like such a good idea when I register, but somewhere down the line, I always question my decision. Usually it's when I've been churning out one mile after the other and all the miles are starting to grow into one big, gooey (and sweaty) pile of mush.

I wonder how it will be this time around. One thing is different. This will be my very first time using a set training program. In training for all my previous races (including the marathon and the triathlon) I ran when I felt like it and cross-trained when I felt like doing that, without any more guidance than listening to my body and knowing I needed to put miles in my legs. I'm hoping that following a set training program will keep me on track, help me use my time efficiently and take all the guesswork out of the equation. 

To be honest, the reason why I feel it's not enough to listen to my body this time around, is because I haven't liked what's it's been telling me lately. Ever since I started my exercise journey 2,5 years ago, I've steadily been progressing. First came gym-membership, followed by weight-loss and it all culminated in a marathon last December. But since December other things have been occupying my life and priorities. I haven't even thought much about exercise. The half-marathon I ran in May was more symbolic and held other meanings than a good finishing time. Now when things are starting to settle back into a new normal, I'm just relieved to know I haven't gained too much weight. 

So, after 6 months, I'm returning to regular exercise. And it's amazing how much speed and strength I've lost. Actually, amazing is the wrong word, depressing is more like it. I know it was expected and I know I will eventually get it back, but it's still very frustrating. Especially when I think about how hard I worked to get there in the first place! I hope everything I've heard about muscle memory is true...

But, I'm equally as frustrated with my attitude as I am with my weaker and slower physical being. I spent 28 years ignoring my body and about 15 of those actively abusing it before I finally started taking care of things. And when I did, my body responded to everything I asked of it, it even surprised me at times and ultimately showed me things beyond my wildest dreams. 

And now, all of a sudden, I'm frustrated with it for not having retained all my abilities while I sat around and did nothing? This hardly seems fair. I'm upset because I now run 11 min/miles instead of 10 min/miles. I beat myself up for using 12 lbs dumbbells when doing bicep curls instead of 15 lbs ones. Do I really have reasons to be upset, or am I just a cranky baby?

I can think of very few things that symbolize "if I scratch your back, you scratch mine" better than the relationship between body and mind. So, maybe, instead of mentally beating my body into submission, I should try to nurture and encourage it back to the strong and capable being I know, for a fact, it can be. 

Thinker's Block

It's been several weeks since my last blog post. One could suspect I've been having writer's block. But that would be far from the truth. I've really wanted to write, felt an urge to write, but I haven't had much to write about. Now, while writing this, I realize how unfair I am to all the people, events and happenings I've experienced over the past weeks, such as running a half-marathon, being in Sweden (with great friends from the US), having surgery, being in awe of my best friends physical achievements, running a crazy night race, baby-shower, house-warming and birthday celebrations. All (and more) of the above deserved attention and could have been written in lengths about. So what has stopped me? I think I've been having thinker's block.

If writing is putting thoughts on paper, an essential part of writing is thinking. If almost every thought is fleeting, nonsensical and lack any kind of depth it is difficult to motivate spending time on writing about it. At least writing anything that would result in a blog-post. Perhaps if I only wanted to write a SMS/IM...

I realize what I've written this far is the direct opposite of profound. And I hope you're not waiting for it to grow into something meaningful. It won't. I think this is just a very long way to say: "Under construction. Please check back soon"

And please do check back soon. My thoughts might have taken a leave of absence after a very intense and stressful spring, but eventually they will return, batteries charged and ready to go.

Eurovision Song Contest 2013, part one

Eurovision week is upon us. For all the fans throughout Europe, this is it, the much anticipated crescendo. Within a week, we will have crowned a new winner and a new country will carry the privilege and honor of being this year's champion. But for now, it's all about Sweden, and the competition and the competitors.

It all starts on Tuesday, with the first semi-final. 16 countries are competing for 10 coveted spots in the Eurovision Song Contest finale on Saturday.

Before sharing my opinion about the songs and artists, I feel the need to clarify a few things. I have listened to, and seen, every song exactly once. The versions I have heard/seen has been from the official website. However, some of them are recordings from the national competitions and some are produced music videos. So, some of the songs may sound and feel very different when performed on stage.

Now, let's get down to business. I will list the 10 countries I would like to see in the finale. Some of them I feel stronger about, some of them made the list because I didn't dislike them as much as others. And just because I'm opinionated I will also let you know which song made the absolut bottom of my list. Since I haven't seen all the performances live, I don't feel comfortable ranking them at this stage, so the list is made according to order they will perform.

1. Austria
2. Slovenia
3. Croatia
4. Denmark
5. Russia
6. Ukraine
7. Netherlands
8. Ireland
9. Cyprus
10. Belgium

Worst of the night, was Lithuania. But there is some room for improvement. I might give the artist an extra point if he gets his eyebrows under control. 

Thoughts on Life and Death

If you have read my last blog-post, you will understand why I have been thinking a lot about life and death over the past few months. I've never really contemplated these topics before. I would like to share some of my thoughts.

I think we all want to live a full life, but I wonder how often we take the time to define what a full life is. My guess is that most people would agree, they don't mean a life full of material things, but rather a life full of family, friends, experiences, memories, achievements etc. Each individual has their own specific definition, but if living a full life is the end goal, what steps and choices do we have to take/make to get ourselves there? In thinking about life and death, we should be thinking about the life we live and the life we want to live until our time is up.

While we are busy living, my understanding of things, is that the emphasis lies on "busy" rather than "living". It seems like the ability to juggle many things at once is more admirable than the ability to relax. You are a more successful individual if you are on the hunt, rather than just being content. I wonder, when people say "live your life to the fullest", do they ever mean "be happy"? Or does the amount of entries in the calendar define our success in living?

If I was given only one month to live, would I travel the world, go sky-diving and party every night? Or would I spend time with my closest and dearest, hug them, kiss them and tell them I love them? What I'm trying to say is, if there are things you would cram into your last month alive, you should probably be doing them or have done them already.

Because the truth is, we don't know when our last month is around the corner. We should do more of the stuff that makes us feel good, that directly affect our well-being on a emotional level. If going to Tibet makes you happy, you should most definitely go to Tibet. But if going to Tibet looks cool to your Facebook friends, and it's their reactions that fuels your emotions, maybe going to Tibet actually don't mean much. If you enjoy managing others, strive to be a manager. But let your passions and personal interests guide your choices, not you perception of other people's perceptions of status.

I don't mean to sound like a know-it-all, because I'm not. And I certainly have things I need to work at, to reach my goal and definition of living a full life. I'm crazy competitive, I hate asking for help and I'm infamously impatient. But it's these flaws that got me thinking. Is it the end of the world if I loose a game of cards? Does is say anything about me as a person? If I don't know the answer to a question and ask for help, does it mean I'm stupid because I'm not all-knowing? Would it kill me to wait 30 min for the next bus? Can I make the bus come sooner by being frustrated and annoyed? At the conclusion of my life, will I even care about winning, pride and efficiency?

At the end of a life, would anyone ever wish they were less content or less happy?