Friday, April 19, 2013

Thoughts on Life and Death

If you have read my last blog-post, you will understand why I have been thinking a lot about life and death over the past few months. I've never really contemplated these topics before. I would like to share some of my thoughts.

I think we all want to live a full life, but I wonder how often we take the time to define what a full life is. My guess is that most people would agree, they don't mean a life full of material things, but rather a life full of family, friends, experiences, memories, achievements etc. Each individual has their own specific definition, but if living a full life is the end goal, what steps and choices do we have to take/make to get ourselves there? In thinking about life and death, we should be thinking about the life we live and the life we want to live until our time is up.

While we are busy living, my understanding of things, is that the emphasis lies on "busy" rather than "living". It seems like the ability to juggle many things at once is more admirable than the ability to relax. You are a more successful individual if you are on the hunt, rather than just being content. I wonder, when people say "live your life to the fullest", do they ever mean "be happy"? Or does the amount of entries in the calendar define our success in living?

If I was given only one month to live, would I travel the world, go sky-diving and party every night? Or would I spend time with my closest and dearest, hug them, kiss them and tell them I love them? What I'm trying to say is, if there are things you would cram into your last month alive, you should probably be doing them or have done them already.

Because the truth is, we don't know when our last month is around the corner. We should do more of the stuff that makes us feel good, that directly affect our well-being on a emotional level. If going to Tibet makes you happy, you should most definitely go to Tibet. But if going to Tibet looks cool to your Facebook friends, and it's their reactions that fuels your emotions, maybe going to Tibet actually don't mean much. If you enjoy managing others, strive to be a manager. But let your passions and personal interests guide your choices, not you perception of other people's perceptions of status.

I don't mean to sound like a know-it-all, because I'm not. And I certainly have things I need to work at, to reach my goal and definition of living a full life. I'm crazy competitive, I hate asking for help and I'm infamously impatient. But it's these flaws that got me thinking. Is it the end of the world if I loose a game of cards? Does is say anything about me as a person? If I don't know the answer to a question and ask for help, does it mean I'm stupid because I'm not all-knowing? Would it kill me to wait 30 min for the next bus? Can I make the bus come sooner by being frustrated and annoyed? At the conclusion of my life, will I even care about winning, pride and efficiency?

At the end of a life, would anyone ever wish they were less content or less happy?

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

A letter to a soul


It's been about a month since I talked to you. I've been thinking about you a lot. Actually, not a day goes by without you entering my mind. Not that I wanted to talk behind your back, but I have, I've talked about you everyday the past month. I guess I've been trying to find an outlet for everything I think and feel. But I think you might be the one I should be talking to. So, here is goes, here is what I want you to know.

About a month ago, I held your hand and stroked your hair, as we were only hours away from the inevitable. I'm not sure if you knew who was holding your hand or stroking your hair, but if you did, I feel I should apologies. It must have been very awkward for you. I never held your hand and I never stroked your hair, not even once, during the nine years we were in each others lives. Not until your last day, when I almost seemed unable to let go.

An hour before you passed, I walked by your bed and stroked your arm, as I was heading to the restroom. Out of all the people who loved you and cherished you, I wouldn't blame you if you were disappointed, that I was one of the last people to see you. I do feel guilty about it. But I don't feel guilty because I didn't care enough, I feel guilty because I know you never knew how much I cared.

It breaks my heart to see the family so distraught, but I know it's an expression of how much they love and how much they miss you. I'm doing my very best to help and to comfort them, but I wish I could do more.

One last thing, thank you for everything that you gave and thank you for the memories you created.

I'll talk to you soon.
your sister-in-law.