It's been about a month since I talked to you. I've been thinking about you a lot. Actually, not a day goes by without you entering my mind. Not that I wanted to talk behind your back, but I have, I've talked about you everyday the past month. I guess I've been trying to find an outlet for everything I think and feel. But I think you might be the one I should be talking to. So, here is goes, here is what I want you to know.
About a month ago, I held your hand and stroked your hair, as we were only hours away from the inevitable. I'm not sure if you knew who was holding your hand or stroking your hair, but if you did, I feel I should apologies. It must have been very awkward for you. I never held your hand and I never stroked your hair, not even once, during the nine years we were in each others lives. Not until your last day, when I almost seemed unable to let go.
An hour before you passed, I walked by your bed and stroked your arm, as I was heading to the restroom. Out of all the people who loved you and cherished you, I wouldn't blame you if you were disappointed, that I was one of the last people to see you. I do feel guilty about it. But I don't feel guilty because I didn't care enough, I feel guilty because I know you never knew how much I cared.
It breaks my heart to see the family so distraught, but I know it's an expression of how much they love and how much they miss you. I'm doing my very best to help and to comfort them, but I wish I could do more.
One last thing, thank you for everything that you gave and thank you for the memories you created.
I'll talk to you soon.
<3 Stor styrke kram till er alla vannen!!!ReplyDelete
That was one of the most beautiful things I have ever read. I usually don't comment on your blog because I see you regularly but I wanted you to know how I felt right after reading it, I could not wait until tomorrow.ReplyDelete
Dear Jennifer, we have never met but if things had been different you and I would be sister in laws by now.ReplyDelete
The day I took Mikael to the airport, I couldn't know that I would never be with him physically again. Once he boarded the jet, we would never look into each other's eyes or kiss each other ever again.
I have to say my heart is still pounding since reading this blog. I have never had such insight to my love's final hours. I have to be honest and say it is a cruel twist of fate that I was not there to hold and caress his soft hands.... Or to stroke my babe's thick hair. I have cried myself to sleep hundreds of nights since then.. I also wake up crying sometimes. I miss him so much....
His clothes are still in the dresser drawers, his nightstand next to the bed is still full of his things. I can't even imagine moving on... He's the first thing I remember when I wake up in the morning and the last thing on my mind before I fall asleep at night. I miss him and I think of him every day.
As badly as it hurts me to have not been there to comfort him, I am grateful he had you there with him and not a nurse, not a stranger, so I am grateful that you did not let the fact that you had never done that before, stop you from doing that when he needed it the most. Mikael was the kindest loving soul I have ever known.
While our time was cut short, I cannot feel anything but gratitude to have had the time with him I did and to have been loved by this man and to feel that same love for him. I would have never dreamed the young man from Sweden that befriended me online in 1999, would come here for a visit in 2002 and eventually become the love of my life... My one true love.
Jennifer, I would really like to talk to you. I keep typing hundreds of paragraphs only to go back and erase. It's too much for a public forum. Please let me know if that is possible. I am on FB and G+. Thank you....