Eurovision Song Contest 2013, part one

Eurovision week is upon us. For all the fans throughout Europe, this is it, the much anticipated crescendo. Within a week, we will have crowned a new winner and a new country will carry the privilege and honor of being this year's champion. But for now, it's all about Sweden, and the competition and the competitors.

It all starts on Tuesday, with the first semi-final. 16 countries are competing for 10 coveted spots in the Eurovision Song Contest finale on Saturday.

Before sharing my opinion about the songs and artists, I feel the need to clarify a few things. I have listened to, and seen, every song exactly once. The versions I have heard/seen has been from the official website. However, some of them are recordings from the national competitions and some are produced music videos. So, some of the songs may sound and feel very different when performed on stage.

Now, let's get down to business. I will list the 10 countries I would like to see in the finale. Some of them I feel stronger about, some of them made the list because I didn't dislike them as much as others. And just because I'm opinionated I will also let you know which song made the absolut bottom of my list. Since I haven't seen all the performances live, I don't feel comfortable ranking them at this stage, so the list is made according to order they will perform.

1. Austria
2. Slovenia
3. Croatia
4. Denmark
5. Russia
6. Ukraine
7. Netherlands
8. Ireland
9. Cyprus
10. Belgium

Worst of the night, was Lithuania. But there is some room for improvement. I might give the artist an extra point if he gets his eyebrows under control. 

Thoughts on Life and Death

If you have read my last blog-post, you will understand why I have been thinking a lot about life and death over the past few months. I've never really contemplated these topics before. I would like to share some of my thoughts.

I think we all want to live a full life, but I wonder how often we take the time to define what a full life is. My guess is that most people would agree, they don't mean a life full of material things, but rather a life full of family, friends, experiences, memories, achievements etc. Each individual has their own specific definition, but if living a full life is the end goal, what steps and choices do we have to take/make to get ourselves there? In thinking about life and death, we should be thinking about the life we live and the life we want to live until our time is up.

While we are busy living, my understanding of things, is that the emphasis lies on "busy" rather than "living". It seems like the ability to juggle many things at once is more admirable than the ability to relax. You are a more successful individual if you are on the hunt, rather than just being content. I wonder, when people say "live your life to the fullest", do they ever mean "be happy"? Or does the amount of entries in the calendar define our success in living?

If I was given only one month to live, would I travel the world, go sky-diving and party every night? Or would I spend time with my closest and dearest, hug them, kiss them and tell them I love them? What I'm trying to say is, if there are things you would cram into your last month alive, you should probably be doing them or have done them already.

Because the truth is, we don't know when our last month is around the corner. We should do more of the stuff that makes us feel good, that directly affect our well-being on a emotional level. If going to Tibet makes you happy, you should most definitely go to Tibet. But if going to Tibet looks cool to your Facebook friends, and it's their reactions that fuels your emotions, maybe going to Tibet actually don't mean much. If you enjoy managing others, strive to be a manager. But let your passions and personal interests guide your choices, not you perception of other people's perceptions of status.

I don't mean to sound like a know-it-all, because I'm not. And I certainly have things I need to work at, to reach my goal and definition of living a full life. I'm crazy competitive, I hate asking for help and I'm infamously impatient. But it's these flaws that got me thinking. Is it the end of the world if I loose a game of cards? Does is say anything about me as a person? If I don't know the answer to a question and ask for help, does it mean I'm stupid because I'm not all-knowing? Would it kill me to wait 30 min for the next bus? Can I make the bus come sooner by being frustrated and annoyed? At the conclusion of my life, will I even care about winning, pride and efficiency?

At the end of a life, would anyone ever wish they were less content or less happy?

A letter to a soul

Hi,

It's been about a month since I talked to you. I've been thinking about you a lot. Actually, not a day goes by without you entering my mind. Not that I wanted to talk behind your back, but I have, I've talked about you everyday the past month. I guess I've been trying to find an outlet for everything I think and feel. But I think you might be the one I should be talking to. So, here is goes, here is what I want you to know.

About a month ago, I held your hand and stroked your hair, as we were only hours away from the inevitable. I'm not sure if you knew who was holding your hand or stroking your hair, but if you did, I feel I should apologies. It must have been very awkward for you. I never held your hand and I never stroked your hair, not even once, during the nine years we were in each others lives. Not until your last day, when I almost seemed unable to let go.

An hour before you passed, I walked by your bed and stroked your arm, as I was heading to the restroom. Out of all the people who loved you and cherished you, I wouldn't blame you if you were disappointed, that I was one of the last people to see you. I do feel guilty about it. But I don't feel guilty because I didn't care enough, I feel guilty because I know you never knew how much I cared.

It breaks my heart to see the family so distraught, but I know it's an expression of how much they love and how much they miss you. I'm doing my very best to help and to comfort them, but I wish I could do more.

One last thing, thank you for everything that you gave and thank you for the memories you created.

I'll talk to you soon.
Love,
your sister-in-law.

Melody Festival 2013, part two

Another week, another show. Just as expected, this week evoked several emotions and encouraged several opinions. The results were mixed and I'm slowly realizing that my musical preference might not be aligned with the public opinion at all. But let's not get ahead of ourselves, let's start from the beginning.

Anton Ewald
Despite his short 19 years on this earth, this is the third year he participates in the Melody Festival. This singer/dancer/choreographer competed in 2009 and with two different performances last year. But back in the days, he did not take center stage, but participated as a dancer behind Velvet (2009), Danny Saucedo and Andreas Lundstedt (both 2012). This year he's competing with an upbeat, dance-hit, I'm sure will play all around Sweden this summer. Something about him reminded me of Jedwards. Since I don't mind Jedwards, I didn't mind Anton Ewald either. I can't say it's the best things that's ever graced the stage, but it wasn't too bad either. The public agreed and he will get a second chance to prove his worth. The only thing that annoyed me was the voice-box he used. I would have preferred to hear his natural voice.

Felicia Ohlsson
I'll just come out and say it. This was my favorite, by far. I thought she was gorgeous, she had the right look and she had a really soulful voice. What more could I have asked for? This 18 year old performed a powerful and straight forward love ballad. It wasn't butchered by too much wailing or deconstructed to be edgy. It was just solid. It reminded me of ballads from yesteryear (80s and 90s), specifically it reminded me of Sam Brown's Stop. I loved that song, so how could I not love this? Unfortunately, the Swedish public were not as convinced. She ended up finishing in 5th place. At least it's better than last week, when my favorite finished last.

Joacim Cans
If you've read my posts about the Melody Festival from previous years, you know I have no problems deducting several points just because I don't like the artist, regardless of if they do a good job or not, I deduct point just for them being them. So, why not give an artist extra points for the exact same reason? This was Joakim Cans debute as a solo artist. But his heavy metal band, Hammerfall, has been a international success since the 90s. I really, really like Hammerfall. I really, really wanted to like this. But I really, really dislike country rock. If it was any other artist, I would have had endless opinions about everything that was wrong, but this time, I'll just say that I might not have agreed with the public that this was the worst of the night, but I'm not about to contest the decision to eliminate him from the competition.

Swedish House Wives
To be honest, I was dreading this from the get go. Individually, I respect each of the three artists, Pernilla Wahlgren, Hanna Hedlund and Jenny Silver. Between them, they have participated in the Melody Festival eight times but this was their first collaboration. Even if all three of them are well established artist with successful careers, something about the combination screamed of desperation. And the artist name they chose did nothing to help their cause. I was expecting something hopelessly dated. It turned out to be somewhat better than anticipated. Instead of hopelessly dated, it was just dated. Catchy, yes. Forgettable, yes. Tiresome, most definitely. And an extra minus for the wardrobe. Despite the popularity of the artists, the Swedish public wasn't impressed either. They left the competition finishing 6th in this round.

Erik Segerstedt & Tone Damli
My next favorite song this round. And this time, the general public and I agreed more, even if not completely. Erik Segerstedt has participated in the Swedish Melody Festival before, with the band E.M.D. In 2009, they finished in 3rd place. But he had his breakthrough when he competed in Swedish Idol 2006. His partner in crime, Tone Damli made herself a name through Norwegian Idol 2005. She was the runner up in the Norwegian Melody Festival 2009, where she lost to Alexander Rybak, who went on to win the entire Eurovision Song Contest the same year. Together, in this year's Melody Festival, Erik Segerstadt & Tone Damli performed a nice little number. It was friendly and inviting and it is actually one of the few songs from this weeks competition I can recall from memory. As I said, the public and I almost agreed. I would have wanted to send them directly to the finale, but I will have to settle for seeing them again in the Second Chance.

Louise Hoffsten
Amongst many things, Louise Hoffsten is a fighter. Since her first album released, in 1987, until now, she has fought her way to a very successful career, with several albums, awards, international successes and published books. And she continues to fight, in her battle against multiple sclerosis. An admirable artist indeed, and her performance in the Melody Festival was solid, grounded and professional, a performance only a seasoned artist can give. The Swedish public embraced her and will continue to walk along her side, all the way into the finale. On a personal note, this was not one of my favorites. But is has very little to do with Louise Hoffsten, it was everything to do with the genre of her music. It simply is not my cup of tea. I can honestly say, "it's not you, it's me".

Rikard Wolff
Mostly recognized for his acting, Rikard Wolff has been a staple in the Swedish culture since the beginning of the 90s. With a very distinct voice and en equally distinct image, he delivered just about what was expected of him. He's performance would have been quite ok, if he was a part of an ensemble, performing a musical. But he was not. This is the Melody Festival and you only get 3 minutes to tell your entire story. This number felt out of context. In my mind, he was on a stage as a sad clown sitting infront of his mirror, after a show, solemnly removing his make-up. Or a bum waking up behind a dumpster, in the middle of the night, gazing up at the stars while singing a melancholy song about something slightly positive. Again, could have worked in another setting, but not in the Melody Festival. The Swedish public agreed. He finished second to last.

Sean Banan
Just like Jack in the Box (not the Burger chain, but the actual toy), he pops up out of nowhere. Well, maybe not exactly out of nowhere, he did participate in last year's Melody Festival. And he did this year what he did last year, but with different lyrics. But still. When Sean Banan takes the stage, the energy in the room raises and the whole show feels invigorated. Is his music childish, juvenile and over the top. For sure. But was I entertained. Yes, I was. However, I was not as entertained as I was last year, so it was disappointing when he was voted directly through to the finale, something he didn't even accomplish last year. But what's done is done, and at least the finale will be more colorful now.

Tomorrow, Melody Festival 2013, part three, commences. An interesting line up awaits. I can hardly wait. Just looking at the names of this year's participating artists, I have high hopes for some of competitors tomorrow (especially one). So tune in again soon, and I'll let you know how it all went.

Melody Festival 2013, part one

Just like Groundhog day, some events brings the promise of spring and brighter times. Personally, I know spring is just around the corner when I get to dust off my pink feather boa, put on my tiara and sip champagne at 11 am. Hello, The Melody Festival 2013, how happy I am to see you!

The Melody Festival is the Swedish music competition in which Sweden decides which song to send to The Eurovision Song Contest. This year there's even more at stake. The winner of the Melody Festival will not only represent Sweden, it will represent the host country, as Sweden's Loreen won last year and brought The Eurovision Song Contest back to Sweden.

The Melody Festival is divided into four elimination rounds. From each round two songs will qualify directly to the finale, and two songs will get a second chance to advance. This set up will result in a total of six rounds; four elimination rounds followed by The Second chance and finally a grand finale, with 10 songs and amongst the 10 songs, the winner will be crowned.

Last Saturday, February 2, the whole process started, with elimination round one. I'll give you my opinion on each artist and share with you the results.

David Lindgren
He participated in last year's Melody Festival, where he finished in 4th place. He's a classically schooled musical artist and with he's ability to sing, dance and charm, he soon became a fan favorite. This year, he's back, and just as last year, he's song is an upbeat clubhit. Despite fresh camera angles, a well choreographer number and pitch perfect singing, the number lack luster and will soon fade into the generic and predictable abyss. As an artist, he is very likable and the performance was solid. The fact that he made it through straight to the finale has more to do with him as an artist than the song itself.

Cookies and Beans
The country influenced band of three blonde women made their Melody Festival debut in 2009 with their song "What If". Back then, they were eliminated in their first elimination round. I don't really remember what I though of them when I saw their performance in 2009, but I do know it is one of my sing-along songs after the fact. I have the same feeling towards this year's contribution. It was fine, even though something about the chorus didn't sit quite as comfortably with me. Maybe I will like them better the second time around, cause they did get enough votes to get another chance. Either way, I'm pretty sure I will be singing along to it in the near future.

Jay Jay Johanson
"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder" would be an appropriate description of Jay Jay Johanson. If you ask me, he was the best of the night. If you ask the Swedish public, he was the worst. Even though our opinions were vastly different, I can't say I'm surprised Jay Jay Johanson received the least amount of votes. Wrong artist, with the wrong song at the wrong venue. At least if you're looking for votes. But if you're looking for music that have the potential to grow and live a full life outside the competition, this was lightyears more intriguing than anything else this elimination round had to offer.

Mary N'diaye
I love being multilingual, so when a song makes me wish I never knew Swedish, you know it's bad. The artist had the right look, the beat was really catchy but the text was awful! It was so bad that I didn't even care that she couldn't sing. If she had hoped that her childish lyrics would make her adorable, she failed miserable. What a waste of talent. Cause talent she has. If you search her name on YouTube, you'll find that she actually isn't that juvenile but a pretty edgy and respectable artist. What happened? And it's not just me, the Swedish general public had enough as well. She did not advance beyond this round.

Eric Gadd
It's always worrisome when a former popular artist decides to make a comeback on the Melody Festival. Every year there's a few of them and almost always it ends up being a disappointment. Eric Gadd was hugely popular in the 90s. Since then he has released several albums but he's not reached the same levels of success. So maybe it's unfair of me to call this a comeback, I guess in some ways he never left. But did he disappoint? Yes, but not by much. His contribution was not offensive but it was luke warm and sleepy. I'm not sure I agree he was good enough to get another chance, but he did.

YOHIO
Leading up to this elimination round, a lot of wonder and curiosity surrounded the artis YOHIO. An androgynous guy from the north that has made himself a name on the Japanese music scene by performing in a lolita dress while singing with a distinct male voice, needless to say, there were a lot of expectations on this performer/performance. He surely looked the part och gave the audience a real show. However, the actual song was, at best, generic. There was nothing distinctly original with the song. The whole performance left me feeling disappointment. It was like being presented with the biggest box, with the most elaborate gift wrap, just to find the box empty inside. He's returning in the finale and hopefully I won't be as disappointed, now when I know what to expect.

Anna Järvinen
Being a well respected singer with multiple awards in her backpack, this singer/songwriter had potential to engage and touch people in a profound way. But instead of deep and vulnerable, it was confused and frail. At one point, I was scared for her safety. To me, she looked and sounded like a confused older lady, in her dressing gown, who'd wondered away from home and couldn't find her way back. She was in need of assistance. The general public wasn't too impressed either. She ended up in 7th place.

Michael Feiner & Caisa
Michael Feiner has produced several club-hits since 2006 and this was his second time around in the Melody Festival. He participated in the Melody Festival 2007 as a part of The Attic. Back then they didn't move beyond the first elimination round. This year he's back, with a new partner in crime, Caisa. It's been a week since the first elimination round, so it's been a week since I heard their song. But it's like I've never heard it. I vaguely remember that I appreciated the saxophone, but also that I thought they looked too old to be performing such a young number. But I can't recall anything about the song, what so ever. I guess that is enough said. They didn't manage to impress the audience either. Their journey ended just as it started.

As you have seen, I wasn't too impressed by the first elimination round. David Lindgren and Yohio made their way to the finale, which was expected and something I can live with. Cookies & Beans and Eric Gadd will get another chance. I'm happy this was only the first week, so there is still plenty of room for improvement.

Just a few words about this year's host and hostess of the show. Danny Saucedo returned this year as the host together with Gina Dirawi. After competing in the Melody Festival three times (finishing 3rd and 2nd twice) maybe Danny's time to be crowned the winner is still to come, but until then I think he is doing a good job at being the host. He's a natural performer and looks at ease leading the show. At his side he has Gina Dirawi, the blogger, the tv persona and the comedian. She co-hosted last year's Melody Festival and did a great job. She's quirky, funny and whimsical. All this while being really beautiful and professional. I'm happy she was invited back to host the show this year as well.

Tonight the competition continues. I'm ready to be blown away. And horrified. And delighted. And confused. Either way, it will evoke emotions and I will, for sure, have endless amount fo opinions about it.

A new New Year's Resolution.

2012 is coming to an end. In retrospect, I would give this year a mixed revue. There have been some amazing moments, like our honeymoon in Japan, the road-trip from NY to Miami and finishing a marathon. But unfortunately, this year has also been struck by quite a few health related issues, affecting many of my closest and dearest.

I can feel something shift. I'm not sure if it has anything to do with me turning 30, but health and well-being has made it to the top of my priority list. Not just for myself, but for everyone I hold dear. I've know for a while how important health is, but I've started to really understand and feel it. I will not deny that my weigh-loss has made shopping a whole lot more fun, but I can honestly say, I'm even more delighted when I see my test results after my annual check-up. It was a true sense of achievement to finish my first marathon. But as proud as I am over my finisher's medal, I'm even more proud that I've given myself a stronger heart and much more capable lungs.

There are so many things in life we can't control. But there is really no point stressing about that fact. It will not make is less true. And, we should remember that we're not completely powerless and that we're not left to fend for ourselves. For the past decade, or so, I've made the same New Year's resolution. I've always vowed that by the end of the year, I will have had a good year. I will stick to my resolution, but from now on I will add to it. My new New Year's resolution will be: "By the end of the year, I will have had a good year. And I will do everything in my power to care for myself and others, both emotionally and physically, by using the tools I can control, such as loving more, be more content, be more patient and through nutrition and exercise.

With these words, I wish you a Happy and Healthy 2013.

Christmas, Turning 30 etc.

Let me start by wishing you Happy Holidays! Christmas is upon us. And as with every December, people are busy, busy, busy. So I will keep this short.

A few days ago, I turned 30. I feel that I should say something profound, or at least something thoughtful. But I'm not sure there is a whole lot to say. It is true that you only turn 30 once, but isn't that true for every birthday? Let me mark the occasion by looking back at the first decade I remember fully.

2003, 20: Heartbreak
2004, 21: Met the love of my life
2005, 22: Graduated University of Birmingham
2006, 23: First real job
2007, 24: Lots of travelling (work and weekly commute)
2008, 25: Moved to the US
2009, 26: Got married
2010, 27: First time car owner
2011, 28: Lost 50 lbs
2012, 29: Ran a marathon
30: ?

Am I where I thought I would be at 30? Did 20 year old me think that I would be a homemaker in US, wearing a size small and running marathons? Absolutely not! Am I happy I am? Absolutely yes! I enjoyed my 20s, as I will enjoy my 30s. It's one of the perks of being easily entertained, I enjoy pretty much anything. I will admit that I don't necessarily enjoy planning, so I don't do much of it, which works out for me. It makes new situations intriguing rather deviations from "the plan".

Ok... writing about Christmas, check! Turning 30, check! Etc?

What's the etc? While I'm curious to see what my 30s bring me, I'm not sure how much of it I will get to enjoy. You see, I'm about to freeze to death! I'm so frigging cold! I freeze everyday, at all times, regardless of what I do or what I wear. The last five(!) times I've been out shopping, I've come home with Smartwool, Merino wool, cashmere, down jacket, ski-socks and turtlenecks. And Heat-tech from Uniqlo. If I layer three layers of heat-tech and wool it becomes bearable, and that's just for sitting in my apartment. We've all heard that fat is a good insulator, but let me tell you, fat is an amazing insulator. I'm by no means eager to pile on the 50 lbs I've lost, but did I use to freeze this much. NO!

And on that note, I'll conclude my unorthodox holiday letter. Again, I wish you Happy Holidays. Love. Be loved. And stay warm.

The Marathon Survivor

I did it! I've finished my first marathon! Jennifer vs California International Marathon 1 - 0!

Sunday, December 2, 2012 was the big day. I prepared, I trained and it was time to deliver. The route to my destination was clearly mapped out. I was to run 26.2 miles, from Folsom to Sacramento.

However, as it turned out, the actual journey there was bumpy and rough. There were quite a few surprise twists and turns and most of the time, I felt utterly lost.

Sunday morning, as I got on the shuttle that would take the runners from our Sacramento hotel to the starting line in Folsom, I felt like an impostor. Around me were all these amazing athletes, ready to run California International Marathon, and what was I doing, trying to be one of them? The spirit on the bus was high, so I put on a brave face, smiled and joined in, meanwhile I could feel my self-confidence dwindle for every mile we drove away from Sacramento and our finish line. By the time we arrived at Folsom, I had gone from nervous to petrified.

As if running 26.2 miles wouldn't have been difficult enough, the biggest challenge of the day was the weather. I live in California. If I plan a run and it happens to rain that day, I'll simply postpone it. Needless to say, I was not prepared to run in stormy conditions with rain and wind. As I stood on the starting line, already drenched and fully saturated in rain, it dawned on me that this would be my reality for the next 5 hours to come. And as it turned out, over an inch (25 mm) of water pour down over our heads and adding to the misery, we had a headwind at 33 mph (15m/s), gusting to 41 mph (18m/s).

I hunkered down and started running. In an instance, I was completely overwhelmed by the task of completing a full marathon and its 26 miles. The first time the thought of giving up entered my mind was around mile 1.  The first time I seriously considered stepping aside was at mile 3. And this mental game would continue all throughout the race and it would prove to be my biggest obstacle.

If someone would have told me that running a marathon is all about mental strength, I would never have questioned my ability. If I got a penny for every time I've been told I'm the most stubborn person alive, I would be a very rich woman. My husband specifically told me not to be too stubborn, incase I would injure myself, I was not allowed to push on, I would have to stop.

So it was shocking to me, how close I came to giving up, multiple times. Between the wind, the rain and my depleted self-confidence, I found it near impossible to push forward. I almost gave up at every aid-station along the road. But, as I pushed pass each aid-station, I knew I wouldn't turn around and go back, so had no choice but to give up at the following one.

Physically I was uncomfortable, but not hurting. My heart-rate was well under control. I knew my body was able to keep going, but I felt so defeated. I have a few favorite mantras and thoughts I go through when I need some extra motivation, but they are usually reserved for the last few miles, as the first 15 miles usually are pretty smooth and not too taxing. But when you have to make a mental effort every time you move your feet, from the very first step and onward, the trusted mantras will only take you so far before you stop listening to yourself.

One thought that did manage to keep me going was that I knew that quitting would be instant gratification while completing the race would be a lifetime of pride. And what is a few hours of misery and suffering in the big picture of things? So I had no choice but to hunker down, and keep moving forward. The minutes would keep on ticking by and if I could keep putting one foot infront of the other, I would eventually reach the finish line.

As the hours progressed I realized how sensitive I had become. It seemed like it took all of my energy to just keep moving forward that I had no energy left to do anything else. I became very sensitive to sounds, I could feel every raindrop on my skin and I felt emotionally vulnerable. All the smiling volunteers and cheering crowds had braved the elements to make our lives a little bit easier. As I read the signs people were holding, every word had an emotional impact on me. Some made me smile, some made me annoyed and one lady made me cry. I was in a particularly dark place when I saw a woman holding a sign saying: "Precious few can do what you do". It hit me right where I needed it. I took her words to heart and thought back to that sign several times as I inched my way towards the end.

When I reached the 20 mile mark, my self-doubt started to subside. I did not run 20 miles just to give up on my final 6! By the time I'd reached 21 miles, the rain had stopped and the sun came out to greet us. Don't get me wrong, the last 6 miles were still a struggle. I was beyond fed up and exhausted. I was even swearing out loud (in Swedish). If running was my child, someone would have called Child Protective Services in a hurry!

The last three miles were not so much three miles of running as they were three miles of shuffling. When I reached mile 25, I though back to when I had run my very first mile of the race. I wish I would have felt a sense of achievement and I wish I could have though to my self "I can't believe I only have one mile left, it feels like I started a moment ago". Instead it felt like I had been running for an eternity and that I ran my first mile a couple of days ago.

A few blocks from the finish line, three familiar faces stood jumping and cheering in the crowd. Seeing my parents and my husband I could feel a wave of warmth and love wash over me. I knew I only had a few minutes left ro run before I could collaps into their arms. As I turned my last corner and caught the first glimpse of the finish line, I could feel tears stinging my eyes. I did not cry out of pride or happiness, I was just relieved that it was finally over, that I somehow made it through and that I could finally come to a stop.

9300 people registered to run the full marathon. 6474 people started the race. 289 people never reached the finish line. I came very close to being one of them. Instead, I'm now one of 6185 people who braved the elements and won an epic battle.

It has been a few days since the race. It feels like it was a lifetime ago. When I look back at videos and photos from the event, I think people must be mad to run in those conditions. Even though I suffered and nearly broke into pieces, my body has handled the stress very well, surprisingly well. The day after the race, my joints felt stiff and my biceps(!) where sore. Three days after the race it feels like it never happened. My heart, lungs, muscles and joints where all ready for the challenge. The weakest link turned out to be my mind. I would never have guessed. California International Marathon turned out to be the biggest mental challenge I've ever faced. But what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, so next time I will be stronger. And yes, I'm pretty sure there will be a next time... eventually...


Take a look at this video, especially the second half.

Marathon training

It might be too early to start summarizing 2012, but regardless of the few weeks left, 2012 will always be the year I took my exercising to a whole other level. 2011 was significant because it was ther year it all started. I stared to exercise, I started to loose weight and I started a healthier way of life. But 2012 will be there year I ran my first 10 km race, I finished my first triathlon, I ran my first half-marathon and hopefully I will also be able to add finishing my first marathon to the list.

Because that's were I am right now. I'm training for a my first marathon. It felt like such a good idea when I signed up and it still felt like an ok idea after I finished my half-marathon, even though training for it was a very humbling experience. It's been about 5 weeks since then and I've been training for my marathon as best as I can. For every week that passes, my self-doubt grows. Will I really be able to do this? How will I be able to keep myself motivated? Can my legs carry me all the way? Why do I feel that I have to do it? 

From the get-go, I've had three goals for the marathon:

1 Finish the race...

2 ... without permanent injuries...

3 ... and hopefully without hating running forever.

These three goals might not seem all that ambitious, and when I decided on these goals I did it, in part, to bring the expectations down and the pressure off. But after last weekend's long run, these goals have not just turned realistic but truly challenging.

First of all, if you've ever wondered, let me tell you that training for a half-marathon and training for a full maraton is two different realities all together. I'm not quite sure where the magic line is drawn, but somewhere between mile 13 (21 km) and 20 (32 km) things start to hurt, wear down and weaken. This became blatantly obvious after my last run.

Last Sunday I ran 20 miles (32 km) which will be the longest run I will do before the marathon. I will not break it down mile by mile but the first 12 miles felt fine, the next 5 miles were bearable, the following two miles had me huffing, puffing and cussing out loud and the final mile almost made me cry. I'm pretty sure I would have cried if I had the energy to produce tears.

When I finally came home, I was in so much pain. My muscles were screaming at me and I had difficulties talking in full sentences. And all of a sudden, an uneasy feeling washed over me. Nausea! Time to run (hobble) to the porcelain thrown. I had run myself sick. I know it's not unheard of, but it sure was a first for me. Never had I exerted myself to were I had to throw-up.

A sobering thought followed this incident. What if I will not be able to finish the race? I only did 20 miles, I have another 6 miles to go. How do I feel about the fact that my body might actually have limitations? I haven't given up on my goals, but for the first time I'm faced with the possibility of not being able to reach them. I guess I will know within three weeks from now.

To end things on a positive note. The distance of a half-marathon is not even remotely intimidating anymore. I'm also happy to report that my cardiovascular system is handling all of this just fine. And regardless of the upcoming marathon, I've taken huge steps towards a fitter and stronger me.  

The Presidential Election 2012

Today is Election day! The United States Presidential Election, that is. So many thoughts, and so little power. I hope all the people out there, with the ability to vote, will do their democratic duty and cast their vote today. Regardless of political conviction, it is better to have a conviction than not to care at all.

In January 1999, I started a chapter of my life, which would come to dominate majority of my formative years. I joined a political party and became politically involved. Over the next four years, my heart, mind and soul would be occupied by ideology, philosophy, debates and political campaigns. This all took place in Sweden, and without explaining the political heritage of Sweden in details, it is enough to know that Sweden is firmly rooted in social democracy. But I was not. The party I represented was the Moderate Party, and I labelled myself a libertarian. I detested taxes, demanded a smaller government and valued the individual before the masses. Ayn Rand was my hero and many of my friends back then would have been proud members of the Tea Party today.

As any idealistic, passionate young person, I pursued politics with unfazed conviction and I set out to change the world for the better. The reason why I left my political engagements in Sweden was to move to England to study International Studies with Political Science. I fought my way through three years of constant battles which at times turned ugly enough for a professor to tell me flat out that I deserved to die.

What was I fighting for? If you would boil it down, I was fighting for freedom. Freedom for each individual to make the decisions they want, about their own lives.

When it was decided my husband and I were moving to the US, one of my biggest curiosities was to see and feel how it would be to live in a nation, sharing Sweden's feelings about democracy, but in all other respects, its polar opposite. As a young political activist, my friends and I had always held the US very high. It was as close to the ideal as any currently existing country. We would follow every US presidential election and we would always hope for the Republicans to win, cause we didn't like taxes either.

Little did I know how much I was about to change.

Don't get me wrong. Philosophically, I'm still a libertarian. But does that make me a republican? Hardly! I still think taxes in Sweden are too high, but does it mean that the mere existence of taxes is wrong? Was taxes even the issue that got me politically involved? Absolutely not! My first public debate was about same-sex couples right to be approved as adoptive parents.

In the end of the day, freedom is still something worth fighting for. My political background in Sweden was mostly about financial freedom, because we had very little. The only reason why it took president over social freedoms was because Sweden is one of the most socially free countries in the world. But moving to the US has made me re-discover where my heart is actually at. You can give me as much financial freedom as you want, but as long as I'm not free to decide over my own body or who I want to marry, it would not be worth much. I will always choose social freedom before financial freedom.

It is with part anticipation and part dread I will follow this Presidential Election. The power is in the hands of Americans, I can only stand by and watch. Unlike my younger self, I'm hoping to see less finance and more humanity.